Things happen for a reason, right?

Tonight, I was watching a movie, as I usually do putting my daughter down to bed and having my son asleep in his bassinet, I was caught by this one scene between the brothers.

(Older Brother) "Things happen for a reason, right?" 
(Younger Brother) "We do what we have to Things do not always go according to plan. But, how we react when things go bad, that is what determines our worth."(Country Crush, 2016).

and it got me thinking....how am I handling the bad things that I am going through? How am I determining my worth? It was amazing to hear that now because today has been a trying day. My patience has been running thin. My daughter and I have been butting heads, part of that is my patience, and the other part of that is we are entering the sassy, I do not have to listen, I am going to fall six times and scream crying even though you told me not to do it phase. Never the less my problems and my bad days should not be reflecting on my daughter. She is not the reason I am going through my bad journey, so why am I allowing myself to loose it on her?

I am crippled by the way she is so forgiving and pure. She is so strong and I am truly blessed to have my daughter in my life. She does not know it but I truly pull my strength from her. So how I look at the bad things and the worry I am going through will determine MY worth not My daughter's, My son's, or anyone else's.

God's word says, "Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Ephesians 5:15 - 20).

Today I lost myself in the world, some of my actions where unwise but thankfully I am human and God forgives me for that. My faith is still shaken but everyday I am finding myself closer on this journey with him. I am finding my strength to live with him so that my children will see through my actions, not my words what it truly means to have faith in Him, in His word, in His plan.

How I got here...

So I guess in order for anyone to understand where I am now and what it is I am going through it would only be fair to provide a little of a back story. 

I married a man that I thought I truly loved at the age of 24. We had dated for a year prior and we were best friends for 3 years before that. So needless to say I thought I truly knew this man and was going to spend forever with him. 

I am not going to say that our marriage was perfect, no marriage ever is. I will not even try and fake that I was perfect in our marriage either, as I am human and made my own mistakes. But I will say our marriage ended for two reasons. My husband choose to be unfaithful and sleep with other women while we were married, I was at home caring for our daughter, and my step son and was pregnant. And our marriage failed because only one of us was walking in faith. And to my fault my walk with God and my journey in faith was rocky in it's self. 

So there you have it. My husband cheated on me I found out a week after I found out we were expecting our second child together and even after trying to fix our issues with counseling he continued to do what he did. So I had to protect me and my children. My stepson went back to his mothers and I sold all my unnecessary things and flew my daughter out to California. My 18year old brother was amazing and flew back to Wisconsin with me and helped me drive a Uhaul and tow my car back to California. 

I filed for divorce and moved in with my mother 5 months pregnant and my daughter and fur pup. For the first few months we lived in a living room together. And now my pup, my daughter, my son, and I share a room together. Thankfully I had the help of my mother and my step father because my now ex-husband sure does not help with the kids or want to be apart of their lives. 

And when I say want I mean entirely his choice. I would rather dispise him and have him be an amazing father to our children than have his help financially and have him not here. Unfortunately, I have no help and he is no were to be found. 

A New Beginning

So the blogging thing has been a thing that I have been fearful of, as I tend to express my anger too easily and my disappointment to vaguely. I am a person who takes on way too much and has a hard time telling people no. I am hoping to be able to use this blog to help take the load off of me and not to put it on anyone else. I can not promise that each blog will make sense or have a specific purpose, heck I can not even promise that these blogs will not be everywhere and appropriate.I can not promise that they will be interesting or that you will learn anything from them. But I can promise you will find problems with my grammar and spelling, God knows that my friends hassle my on Facebook all the time about it. 😉 

Now for the more formal introduction about myself. I am an over opinionated, stubborn, hard headed 28 yr. old. single mom of two wonderful children under two. I am a girl who will be in church on Sunday mornings and a sports bar on Sunday nights. I have an intense passion for sports, I am a die hard sports fan and player.

I am still self sufficient and capable person. I know that God has and always will have a plan for me. But I can also honestly say this is one of my daily struggles, the why will be revealed in other blogs, I am sure. But through our hardest trials come the greatest rewards.

I am hoping that with this blog I am able to find a deeper faith. A deeper faith in God, in his plan, in my abilities, and in people.